Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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