btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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