I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
