ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
