My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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