hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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