I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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