God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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