When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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