Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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