Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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