i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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