She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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