nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
