That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
