Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize