just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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