The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
