Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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