update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
