My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
