So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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