Tell her she can't have a vagina
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
