I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
