I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
