You can't motorboat a personality
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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