My first STD was from a foam party
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
