Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
