maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
