Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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