my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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