Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
there is glitter all over my balls
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
