like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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