i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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