i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
