Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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