WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize