is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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