If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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