John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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