Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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