I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
