Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
