I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
