You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
