Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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