yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
