he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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