I got chris browned last night
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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