I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
