Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
