Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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