so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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