I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
