he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltđ
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Can I use your boat
Also, whatâs the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? Itâs the middle of the night
Sorry, Geoff canât come to his phone right now. Heâs outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with âDTFâ written on the windows
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