i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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