I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
we're making bets on your personal life
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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