....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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