a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
