my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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