i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
