How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
