I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
