When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
